Ok let me start by saying that I don’t usually leave reviews for my online human trafficking purchases but I was just SO disappointed in my recent experience with Wayfair and their TERRIBLE customer service that I had to write this review. Take it from me, if your in the market for a new commercial grade slave child, RUN don’t walk away from the jerks at Wayfair! You’ll thank me later!!!

First of all, I have been buying trafficked human children from mainstream internet furniture retailers since at least 2005, so I know a thing or 2 about the ordering and delivery process. When I came upon the Yaritza ‘cabinet’ (cough cough) on Wayfair, I was definitely in the market for an upgrade. We had fallen out of love with our last immigrant slave child, and truth be told I had gotten a little lazy in locking up the crate he slept in and, wouldn’t you know it, he ran off, which honestly was fine because I’d had him for like three years and we were getting ready to bury him alive anyway. My grandson used to love feeding him bird pellets through the grates with electrified tongs but lately he’s been more interested in catching fish in the creek out back and torturing them with bottle rockets. Boys will be boys!

So at first I was optimistic because of Wayfair’s slick advertising. Right right, I get it, a $13k industrial ‘cabinet’ called ‘Yaritza’ *wink wink*. Well played, Wayfair, well played. So I figured, hey let’s give it a try. How bad could it be?

Pretty bad, it turns out. Everything started off OK, the ordering process was smooth enough and typical for what you can expect when buying human people from the same place you get your throw pillows. After I purchased the ‘cabinet’ I got the typical call requesting two factor authentication from an encrypted line and spoke to a nice gentleman through a voice changer and let him know my preferred age, sex, height/weight (I prefer them a little plumper than others, that’s just me!), and geographic origin for my slave child. I thought, man there running a tight ship here! Can’t wait to get my big boned 7 year old girl from Central America and/or the Baja peninsula depending on available inventory!

But things quickly took a turn. Now, every other time I’ve ever purchased a slave child via a posting for an exorbitantly priced home or office cabinet, the slave child arrives INSIDE the cabinet. I mean, they have to sleep standing up somewhere! So imagine my surprise when I see the UPS driver (a day later than the website said by the way, tsk tsk) rolling my new landscaper/tiny gimp up the driveway in nothing more than BUBBLE WRAP and packing tape. What?! You’re telling me I paid $13k+ for ‘Yaritza’ by itself and now I have to go out and buy a SEPARATE cabinet for it to live in? Not cool, Wayfair, not cool.

But I figured, OK, maybe it will be worth it anyway. Wrong! From minute one ‘Yaritza’, who didn’t understand ANY English (come on!) and didn’t want to do anything but cry and cry about donde esta mi madre blah blah, was as useless as a hole in a pueblo wall. Like, our last slave child managed to get every trace of mildew out of the tub grout with a single toothpick, but this one? She could barely get the top layer of soap scum off the tile because, oh did I mention that she was literally LIKE 20 POUNDS! I’ve seen string beans with more meat on them! Somebody feed this thing!!!

She didn’t even know how to make homemade plantain chips! (forget about arepas!) And you would have thought she’d never seen a bee bee gun before! SOMEONE has to help my grandson practice his aim. Jeez! What, you think you think your only job around here is tweezing the caterpillars out of the backyard?! Scared of a little pinch in the bottom? Well then run faster!

But the worst thing was that it INSISTED on making eye contact with me even after repeatedly being told not to. No me gusta! I can’t tell you how many lashings with the toaster cord it took to break it of this habit. Because THAT’S how I want to spend my afternoons! I get my cardio in the mornings, thank you very much! My last gimp Oscar (or maybe it was Rodrigo?) would never have dared look us in the eye. He really knew his place! But this one, sheesh, so sorry Your Royal Highness, why don’t you use the indoor toilets while you’re at it. Its this new generation of snowflakes and their handouts. They want a guarantee they won’t be unceremoniously murdered in their sleep without having to work for it!

Needless to say I returned it, but Wayfair did NOT make the process easy. It took no less than THREE blindfolded meetings at random locations in international waters to even get them to agree to accept the return! Finally they relented after making me pay the ICE restocking fee. What B.S.!

But I still wasn’t done with Wayfair’s incompetence. After I finally got ‘Yaritza’ sedated with enough ketamine to tranquilize Dwayne The Rock Johnson after like an HOUR of it thrashing around like a trapped raccoon, and THEN got it wrapped up in bubble wrap I had to go out and buy MYSELF since it had pooped all over the original packaging in transit, then they had the nerve to deduct the cost of the actual cabinet from my refund THAT NEVER EVEN CAME WITH MY SLAVE. Talk about insult to injury! Enjoy you’re extra $79.99 you jerks!

Thanks for nothing Wayfair! What a joke! Zero star experience! Run don’t walk from these people! Trust me, if your in the market for an immigrant slave in the age 7-10 range, stick with the $25k ‘portable tool sheds’ from Amazon!!!!!